dayDreams ++

Dumb and Dumber

May 27, 2020

Let me kick off with a tweet, that’ll be better

feynman

If you personally know me, you’ll know which definition suits me, for those who don’t, I fall in the former category and that has been one of my failures in these 19 years and I’m reluctant to address this single point of failure.

I’ve been hearing this since school days and multiple times I tried to change it and I never got cured of it.

Even in college and in my community life this has been a hard hitting personal problem for me. But hey I lived this long to tell these to someone else.

The Dumb Stuffs

Long Story Short: I’ve got an internship and worked there for a month and they let me go in the first month. I was unproductive and lazy.

But I wasn’t much sad for it. A bit sad yes but I too has faced a lot of rejection and this seemed a bit more straining. Yes I was unproductive and lazy, I know that. I’ve never seen a hustling work environment. All I seen are hackathons.

But in this one month span I learned a lot. Starting from SSH-Keys and ending to a deep introspection on life and meaning and failures. I failed a lot, “A Lot”. For starters I failed in cracking jokes, exams and easier stuffs. This fear of failures pushed me on but at some point I stopped to fear failures. Most of you would think, “Thats good right?“.Yes in a sense and personally it was a huge loss for me. I got studious in school because of the fear that my parents may scold me.

By the Time I got to college studies never have made a fearful. Rather than studies, the Fear of being a Failure haunted me and it still does. I was having a suicidal thoughts regarding the same, but got relieved after talking to my dad about it. It was soo depressing to have a fear like this and then onwards for me it felt like almost every other failure made that fear a bit more to reality bits by bits.

I have trouble sleeping with this fear in my mind. My sleep cycle has lost it cyclical balance and rather has affected my total person. Even when I lost my internship after a month, this fear came back which was dormant for a few weeks that I will be failure and I believe I still am.

Looking back to the past 19 years, All I’ve have are some good Friends and other than that I still have no acheivements to be proud of. Rather I’ve always been an arrogant asshole in the family and in my community for showing off to people that “I know stuff” which I don’t know about.

One thing I learned while on the internship was

“Never be reluctant to ask for help! No one is gonna judge you”

I hope I could use this advice to be less dumb in the future.


Personal Blog of Athul Cyriac Ajay who is an Undergraduate Engineering Student in College of Engineering Kidangoor, a GitHub Campus Expert and a Python, Go lover.
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